Time for an Upda--what were we doing again?

Greetings, New Newsers! Silver here with your newest installment of the New Weekly News of Newer Stuff. Oddly enough, with all the interesting stuff going on, we don't really have any news. I mean, who wants to read about dead birds, ice storms, and other apocolyptic stuff. (Personally, I'm chalking the birds up to Mdme Fluffinpuff who despite her adamant denial, has obviously had issues with "birdie dust" before. If you don't believe me, just check out this rare footage we have of her at the last emmys while "tweeting out".

          New Newsers, I know this is scary to watch, but I would suggest committing this footage to memory. After all, addiction can attack anyone, anywhere, anytime. Addiction is like a ninja with its attacking-ness. So, this reporter would have you to remember that the most common signs of bird addiction are as follows:

• Mewing incessantly
• Tremors
• Dialated pupils
• Hallucinations
• Rampant hair growth

       Also, here are some of the names youngsters may be calling their stash of birds:

• Squawking
• Peeping
• Feather dusting
• Doing Tweety

          This is a real problem, and there are real solutions. If you know someone with bird addiction, please, thwack them over the head with a baseball bat. As unorthodox as this method seems, experts agree it's the only permanent cure for bird addiction. Though those who recieve this particular treatment may suffer temporary loss of consciousness, severe headaches, and in some cases, death, doctors say these side effects are temporary and you can always be assured that the addiction is cured.

             Just remember everyone, Friends Don't Let Friends Do Tweety.

                This is Silver, Twee--I mean, signing off.

Psychic Kitties Stealing Internets!

3 January, 2011


Happy New Year, New Newsers! Sad to say, our first report for this year bears no good tidings. It seems that a troupe of cats in North America have joined forces to steal internets (yes, we said "internets") from their owners using only psychic powers they had henceforth kept hidden from their masters and mistresses.
           Though sicker owners seem happy that their pets have "come out of the closet", the rest of us sane peoples on this Earth are scared pee-less. Apparently the static generated by petting our beloved kittehs has been their fuel all along. Owners are urged by officials to encourage cat-shunning, employing the use of squirtguns, and of course, we have gained allies amid the not-too-bright troops of Mousedom. Sadly, they have lost so many troops already, that several mice, rats, and even oppossums have gone on strike, claiming the bloodshed led by one particular kitty known only as K, has wreaked upon the numberless rodents of the world.
              Where will this madness end? Sources say with the sound of a can opener. Apparently, even psychic kitties have a weakness in their hearts (or rather their stomachs) for humans. According to the latest communication from K, "As long as you keep the food coming, no one gets hurt."
             This is Silver, covert reporter, signing off and hoping the cat overlords won't notice I'm late for their hourly bellyrubs. Until next time!