3 January, 2011
Happy New Year, New Newsers! Sad to say, our first report for this year bears no good tidings. It seems that a troupe of cats in North America have joined forces to steal internets (yes, we said "internets") from their owners using only psychic powers they had henceforth kept hidden from their masters and mistresses.
Though sicker owners seem happy that their pets have "come out of the closet", the rest of us sane peoples on this Earth are scared pee-less. Apparently the static generated by petting our beloved kittehs has been their fuel all along. Owners are urged by officials to encourage cat-shunning, employing the use of squirtguns, and of course, we have gained allies amid the not-too-bright troops of Mousedom. Sadly, they have lost so many troops already, that several mice, rats, and even oppossums have gone on strike, claiming the bloodshed led by one particular kitty known only as K, has wreaked upon the numberless rodents of the world.
Where will this madness end? Sources say with the sound of a can opener. Apparently, even psychic kitties have a weakness in their hearts (or rather their stomachs) for humans. According to the latest communication from K, "As long as you keep the food coming, no one gets hurt."
This is Silver, covert reporter, signing off and hoping the cat overlords won't notice I'm late for their hourly bellyrubs. Until next time!
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